Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
