he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
