dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
