ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
