I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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