Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
