someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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