If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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