Where is the hickey?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
