The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
