Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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