Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
