I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
