I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
