cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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