are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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