I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
