I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
