listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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