I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
