She said her name was "party"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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