last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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