I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
