really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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