I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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