Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
