it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
