Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
