someone threw a dead crab at me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
a search helicopter?!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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