I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
