As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
