glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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