All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
