the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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