I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
