I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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