just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
