Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
nutella sex= disaster
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
