It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
