did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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