I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
