i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
