Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
