just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
