As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
