Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
"it" just moved
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
