tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
