I will die if light touches me.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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