id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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