i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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